


What I Don't Deserve

by grimparadigms



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-28
Updated: 2019-07-28
Packaged: 2020-07-23 09:57:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20006428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grimparadigms/pseuds/grimparadigms
Summary: She pauses for a long while just staring, and he’s struck by her openness, and those damned lilac eyes. “Caleb, you’d make a great dad one day.”He’s taken aback, and it’s his turn to stumble in the snow. He couldn’t have heard her saythat—of all things—no.“Sorry,what?”Spoilers up to EP 71





	What I Don't Deserve

Caleb stays toward the back of the group—mostly because he didn’t sleep well, and each step he takes feels heavier than the last. Jester’s joined him, and at first he thought it was only because she was getting lost in her own thoughts, her gait slower than usual. But she slows down more and more until they are side by side, and the usual swing of her arms has stopped.

“Caleb? Can I ask you something?”

She’s whispering, and her eyes remain downcast. He looks from her to the group fifteen feet ahead of them, trudging through a thin layer of snow. Their pace is much steadier and he knows if he and Jester do not speed up, the distance will grow too long.

“Of course, Jester.”

She lifts her eyes and gives him a weary smile, snowflakes decorating the top of her head. The blue of her hair and her skin sparkle amidst the falling snow; the backdrop of white mountains only making her look more dazzling. He tries and fails not to get lost in her assiduous gaze. 

“Well,” she sounds nervous, stumbling a bit in the snow and knocking into his shoulder as she regains her balance. “Have you ever thought about what comes after all this? Like the future?”

He swallows, forcing himself to look away, back towards his companions ahead of him. His eyes bounce from each one: Beau using her staff as a walking stick, Caduceus with one hand on Fjord’s shoulder as he points to something out of sight, Nott with her clipped movements through the snow and the casual glances she keeps giving them when she looks behind her. The future looks much different now than it had just a year ago.

“I have thought about it, ja.” When he isn’t thinking about how to survive one moment to the next, it is the future and all that he hopes to achieve that fills his every thought. “A little.” 

“I think about it a lot. Like where we’d go, what we’d do, who we’ll be… ” Her lashes look impossibly long as she stares up at him. She pauses for a long while just staring, and he’s struck by her openness, and those damned lilac eyes. “Caleb, you’d make a great dad one day.”

He’s taken aback, and it’s his turn to stumble in the snow. He couldn’t have heard her say that—of all things—no.

“Sorry, what?”

“You were so sweet with Luc! And you were good with Kiri too,” she’s incredibly earnest, nudging him gently as they walk. “After all this you could totally settle down and have a family, Caleb.” She quickly adds, “If you _wanted_ that, I mean.”

Family; the word is like lead in his stomach. He thinks of his origins, he thinks of two lost faces in the haze of a fire; of voices that worried and pleaded and loved him. _Settle down and have a family_ —Jester Lavorre was painting a future that he’d never dreamed. Settling down was for those who’d earned peace and quiet; families were for those who didn’t burn everything they touched. Caleb would have neither.

In the quietest of moments, when he finds her smile all too dazzling and her voice all too comforting, he imagines— _maybe_ —a life where he finds peace. If he weren’t so broken, he’d smile and plainly tell the woman before him that she captivates his mind and fills his heart. If he were more deserving, one day he might even bend to one knee and ask her to be with him always, forever—an eternity hardly enough, but it’s a start. Caleb imagines an undeserved life for ten seconds before he banishes it out of existence.

“I-I wouldn’t—” _Be a good father? Be a good husband?_ He doesn’t know how to tell her, how to begin the process of explaining that he shouldn’t ever be in those roles. He says instead, “I’m sure you’d be a wonderful mother, Jester.” 

“Me?” She raises a brow. He keeps his eyes forward, even when he can feel hers racking over every inch of him. “I don’t know…. I haven’t really thought about it, actually.” He thinks he’s successfully deflected, leaving her to ponder her own future, and what kind of life she wants for herself. 

“I’d probably be like the most fun parent in the whole world,” she giggles, giving him that big toothy grin that makes his knees weak. 

“You would,” he agrees, picturing an older version of her—with hair that’s passed her shoulders, eyes that regard him with warmth, the laughter lines emboldened, her smile just as beautiful when he sees it for the hundredth time. “ _If you wanted that_ ,” he tries to mimic her failingly, her accent all wrong on his lips.

“I really meant what I said, Caleb.” She’s wrapped her arms around his right arm, his heart rapidly beating in his chest, his neck growing too hot. “You’d be a great dad. I can tell you don’t believe me, but I think you’re wrong. You could have that life.” She’s dragging him forward because his legs are hardly working, as Jester continues to reiterate her firm belief that Caleb could be a family man. “You could have anything you wanted, Caleb, if you just asked for it.”

Only Jester Lavorre would see that for him. He has to laugh, releasing the air bottled in his chest. She’s imagined worlds that he can’t even fathom. He shouldn’t be surprised; she’s an artist, she can see colors in the world where he only sees shades of grey. His growing affection for her is letting his mind wander to places it shouldn't. He shouldn’t indulge her— _close the distance between you and the group, don’t stay longer than you should, Widogast. Don’t. Don’t—_

Instead, Caleb doesn’t fight her tenderness. She holds on tighter, giggling as she jests about an unattainable future. He accepts the intimacy, forbidden as it feels. He can punish himself later for the indulgence. Right now he just wants to be seen by Jester Lavorre, and pretend there’s a future ahead that has them both with matching wedding bands.

**Author's Note:**

> Y'all, just watching Caleb interact with Luc got me all misty-eyed. So I had to write something because *i* was the one thinking about Caleb being a dad in the distant future and I got real emo about it!


End file.
